yesterdae nite was talkin to dear dear... asked him why he always take in n out the couple ring before.. he said he was afraid that it get scatched.. i asked how he felt when we brought our couple ring.. he said, juz wonderin why i wanna buy a couple ring.. honestly, it is the first time that i heard that.. when i asked, he said ok.. yesterdae when i asked, he said he didn't wanna spoilt my mood... it hurts... i didn't realise the couple ring i been wearin for one year plus didn't matter to him.. i remembered once hui ting was tellin me davin n her didn't have a couple ring.. she told me at least i have.. but come to think of it, dear was wearin the ring juz to please me.. no meanin to him... a couple ring represent a bond (that's wat i think la). it shows that the couple is committed in the relationship and it's a special item for the couple... i didn't realise it meant nothin to dear... until yesterdae...

now thinkin back, perhaps i'm the only one that reali thought of makin dear my last one.. perhaps i'm the only one that put him my priority.. rememberin back our time together, durin the first few mths.. he was still in training.. every sat we went atrium n he went to play his game.. n i was there waitin, roamin around the arcade... the only time we reali spent together then was when we were watchin movie... it's like almost every week, we will catch a movie.. durin weekdaes, when he in camp, i can juz sit at my livin room n wait for his call.. duration for waitin usually last abt two hours... from nine plus till eleven plus.. but whenever he called, it will be a five to ten mins conversation.. lookin back, i was like a fool... further down the road, durin my granny b-dae.. i went to meet him at amk.. thinkin he will accompany me to the dinner.. but then, he didn't... the first real quarrel we had.. i waited the whole afternoon for him n in the end, he told me he is not goin to the dinner.. hai~ again, i was the fool... we quarrelled.. he didn't coax me.. instead, we broke up... i smsed him on the next dae.. thinkin perhaps, i was reali unreasonable.. but now lookin back, i wasn't... he was in NS.. weekend was the only time he can accompany me.. but he didn't wan to.. he wanted to go arcade yet again.. was i in the wrong for wantin him to accompany me more?? if i didn't sms him... we wun patch ba..

the next big test came when we were talkin abt the future.. ppl that noe me knew that i didn't wanna have a kid... not because i dislike kids, more because i have no confident to bring my child happiness... but dear always wanted a child... there was this one time when we were talkin abt this topic.. i told him if i insisted i didn't want a kid in future? he said he will respect my decision.. back then, i have my doubt in his ans.. recently when we talked abt this again.. he told me mayb we will end up breakin if i insisted that i didn't wan a kid.. he even said he wun regret breakin up but will be sad... again.. i was the fool..

the next quarrel, is near valentine dae... he was in NS n need to be in camp for the weekdaes... i wanted to go out wif a guy fren.. he gotten angry n we quarrelled.. end up, i give in n went home straight after sch... n i waited for his call from nine plus till ten plus.. for juz a ten mins conversation.. that was the first time i spent my valentine dae slpin at home ever since sec 2... again, i was the fool....

when he went taiwan, ppl asked me out.. but the only guy that i went out wif was ronald.. cause he drive me around... i waited everydae for his call or sms... i didn't go out much except to work... that 3 weeks... i went to sch on weekdaes, went to work on weekend.. sometime, after workin, i met up wif ronald for a coffee session n that's it... i can't sae he wanted me to do these... i did it willingly... but when he return, i asked him whether the feelin fadin off.. he admitted.. n i was the fool once again, for waitin for whole-heartedly for him durin the three weeks..

when i was in TEP, there is this one guy that keep smsin me for abt 4 daes? n at that pt of time, my relationship wif dear was super rocky.. but i didn't have feelin for that guy.. n when we quarrelled... dear linked that mayb i like that guy that's why i behavin like that.. then i realise, that's how dear think of me... thinkin of me as a ger that will fall in love wif another guy so easily after one year plus together... that's when i started to lose faith in this relationship... i started to hang out wif my frens on weekend.. meetin wif dear became a quiet moment.. whenever i went out wif him, i didn't talk much... but again, he didn't sense anythin...

in our relationship, whenever we meet, we often meet at amk... but out of ten times, abt five times, he will be late.. n he stay at amk... i dun mind waitin.. so i juz sit there n wait.. i remembered once when he juz came back from tw, i went over to his house.. we went to sleep.. but i wake up abt an hour later as i was hungry.. i woke up him too.. but he went back to sleep... in the end, i got to call val jie, to pei me go amk eat.. after eatin, we even went to shop... n i only went back after three hours... but he didn't realise... he only knew that i went out as i got to call him to ask him to open the house door.. hai~ another time was when he slpin, i went home.. the dae before, he told me he was tire... but he end up watchin vcds till late at night.. then the next dae we met, we went over to his house n he slept... i? sat there like a fool.. at nine, i went home all by myself.. at ten plus, he then call me n check where am i... lolx.. that incidents, i realise i'm meant so little to him...

24th of every month is our anniversary... we had a few quarrels some months on that date... but none, he nv sent a sms to wish me happy anniversary.. n even a few times, he forgotten abt it... much less to sae, whenever we quarrelled on that date, i always wake up hopin to see a sms from him.. but i was the fool again... there was even this one time when we quarrelled on that date, he went out wif his fren to play mj.. at that pt of time, i told myself, perhaps i was expectin too much in this relationship.. perhaps it was time to let go..

n when i let go, he didn't try to save this relationship... instead, he told me, u already like that sae le.. wat more can i sae... n that's how we broke up... kors n meis told me he is a nice guy.. a good guy.. a few times when i wanna broke up n forget abt the whole things, they told me to think over carefully... tellin me how good he is, blah blah blah... but come to think of it, wat we went through doesn't reflect how good he is.. it only went to show how unimportant am i to him... even yesterdae nite, i was juz lyin beside him... thinkin abt all these... n i cried.. he?? was sound asleep... hai~

in a relationship, it takes 2 hands to clap... i noe there are things that i did that was utterly awful.. perhaps, that was how it led to his behavior towards me.. i dunno... but i can only sae now, april 30th was a new beginnin to us... the baby is goin to open up a whole new world to us... n i hopin n prayin hard that watever that's goin to happen, it will be a good thing.. the journey wun be smooth sailin... but i still hope neither of us will give up on this family...

will stop here for todae le.. take care.. tata...
Blogged @ 12:57 PM
Don't let me go -