Hi all.. back to blog..

reason of me being so free? erm.. cause dear is in reservist? no la.. feelin a bit down so decided to come n blog my feeling.. be prepared for a super long post..

he told me yesterday abt his poly fren gathering.. n if u guys wanna noe wat's the big issue abt it, pls read on.. me being me.. i dun mind him meeting his fren and all.. he can sae his bro ask him to meet at 12am on sat.. i'm fine.. but, his ex is from his this grp of poly fren.. think almost every year they will have a gathering.. n honest.. the thing that makes me damn uncomfortable abt is the below.

2-3 years ago... i tagged along for one of his poly fren gathering.. i had nv prepared it to turn out the way it did... his ex was there.. wif her new bf (i noe her bf too.. we worked at the same com. b4).. we went billy bombers.. n they sat oppo each other.. (i was sitting beside him..) surprising.. we didn't talk at all (me n him).. throughout the whole dinner.. he was busy talkin to her.. to them.. i was non-existence there.. at that pt of time.. i felt like disappearing.. moreover, the whole dinner, his eye sight like nv left her.. he ans to her every need... nvm.. we then went cathay for movie.. throughout the walk there, since i doesn't noe anyone.. i walked damn slow.. taggin behind everyone else.. yes.. including him.. he wasn't the first to notice that i was at the back.. it was her stead then that saw me at the back and make an effort to slow down n walk wif me.. then he realise.. he waited for me... but she too stopped.. so the four of us walked together.. again.. i was the quiet one.. nvm.. taking the escalator up.. he wasn't by my side... he was by her side.. from where i stand.. i saw everything.. he looking at her every sec.. he trying so hard to talk to her.. even when he was at my side, his eye sight nv leave her.. can u imgine wat was my feeling then... during the movie... she purposely sat beside him.. n throughout the 2 hours movie, she kept talkin to him.. wth lor...

so now u noe wat was my feelin when he told me abt his gathering.. n on top of that.. i told him that mandy they all having a bbq on next sat already.. but the moment he received that sms that there is a gathering, he forgot abt my bbq... this reali shows how important i'm to him right.. i dun even noe it's becoz of the sms or the name inside the sms that make him forget about me.. somemore.. NONE of his poly frens noe that he's married..

if ur question is whether do i trust him a not.. my ans is no.. not when he is ard her.. whether do i have confident in myself or our marriage.. my ans is still no.. whether do i have faith in our love.. it's still a no.. reason being... love fade when u dun cherish.. w/o love.. there's no marriage.. when there's no marriage, there's no trust... i'm just a plain ger.. i don't have that much of confident in myself.. i have been holding myself up.. pulling myself together.. life haven't been easy on me.. waking up.. i'm just a 21 year old ger.. being myself.. wanting to perform.. to live my every best.. to a lot of u.. u might thght i'm doing good.. handling issues well... but how many of u noe when i break down? u noe me as a dare-devil.. a ger that's strong enough to handle anything.. but honestly, i'm not.. i need support too..

whenever he hangs out wif his fren.. there wun be a single call/sms... he can just "disappear" for 4 hrs straight n only contact me when he wants too.. to guys.. perhaps this is nthing.. to me.. it shows how important am i to him..

stoppin here for today.. nigths peeps..

dehui.. stop thinkin so much.. convince urself to pull through this.. u can do this.. shld u have so much free time, work.. buried urself under work.. at least u wun see/hear/feel then..
Blogged @ 9:31 PM
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