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Wednesday, April 21, 2021

 so.. after the last post, i realised that year 2020 didn't end just with that.. after taking away my grandfather, i got my biggest shock in life.. a man who i was with since 16.. turned out, i didn't know him at all..


being lied to blatantly again and again.. seriously.. in my face, telling me he was having dinner at the location when i asked.. and yet the next day, when i checked, he wasnt. he was at that spa.. that special service provider.. he didn't even come upfront and admit it.. he was just, lying to me in the face.. once again and again.. after so many years, i'm reali tired.. to an extent of not knowing how else i'm supposed to do this..


shld i leave? shld i stay? i always thght i can at least trust him.. he is always damn secretive abt things but i never thght one day, it will be such a big bomb.. i think over time, i created a fake sense of safety for myself. till i totally felt that i can rely on him.. but yet reality hits me hard in the face.. telling me i have no one but myself in this world.. come to think of it, i willingly let him cheated me for 17 years... maybe i deserve this somehow.. if i have pluck up my courage and just walk away back then, maybe life will be very different.. i only have myself to blame, for not being mature enough back then..


i'm not all saint and i err in my ways too.. this marriage has costed us both alot.. in terms of mentality and effort.. we were each chasing our own dreams, which is different and not in sync... it's reali a miracle we are still together.. i dont know how long this will last and i truly gave up that we will be together forever.. forever, thats bullshit fairytale that make all young ladies embark into this relationship.. but turned up all scarred and hurt over the years and yet never make it to the happily ever after.. 


it's a live day-by-day situation where i dont dare to have much hope.. plan for myself and the children future and that's it.. i dont even dare to include him in my future.. somehow, i just keep feeling that once the children grow up, we will go our own way.. and i dont know whether this going to change anymore or i just going to accept it as it is.. i feel that he is with me due to social acceptance.. like society can't accept what he likes/wants.. so i'm like a cover.. 


Dehui, please rem, dont love so hard anymore.. not worth it.. for your own sanity.. pls.. put yourself as a priority... 


signing off for now.. ciao~


Blogged @ 10:28 AM
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